Meant to write “pretend to go pee” but i like “pretend to go be” more
RT @PowerViolenceLA: Tonight 9PM. @kylekinane , @nickrutherford , @RobGleeson , @mrdavechild, @ronbabcock , @melissavpees, Ed Salazar, a …
Emergency Snacknician on call @commenace is bringing home Wendy’s and I’m gonna watch Paranormal Activity or some shit HELL YEAH
As of today, the toughest truthful statement I can make is, “I went home first and ate some chili, THEN I went and got stitches.”
I anxiously await @dadboner’s review of the new California Whopper.
Dance like no one is watching. You can because you’re alone. Always alone.
Just heard someone on TV say, “And now it’s time for our old friend Bacon Fat” and I thought I was about to hear some awesome harmonica.
Stop farting in the sound booth. Stop farting in the sound booth. Stop farting in the sound booth. Stop farting in the sound booth.
RT @austinlouisray: I spoke with the hilarious @kylekinane for The A.V. Club. You should read this and buy his album. http://t.co/n7Y6OtP
Gig in Sturgis tonight. Opening with “Awful lot of leather and tassles for a bunch of ‘straight’ dudes.” Funeral roast Wednesday in LA.
“@lunchyprices: Sexy bread on a dipshit sandwich! @RonnieWK @kylekinane http://t.co/8Q4Tlex” //because i said i would…
RT @brandttobler: Vegas tonight! @MattMarkman @kylekinane and I will be telling jokes at boomers at 8pm. 2 dollar PBR’s and 7 dollar pi …
3am and I’m using WikiHow to tie a bandana so I look badass. Skipped the step that said “Don’t be Kyle Kinane.” http://twitpic.com/63cx19
Guys, do I go Movie Draft or Final Draft? Which screenwriting program has predictive text for different explosion sounds and boob jiggles?
Okay, Vegas. Let’s kick off this tour the right way: http://t.co/hnb4R0n
My assassin will probably be carrying a copy of “Garfield Sits Around The House” in his pocket.
I think @toiletwine just made up the idea of “bearnaise” sauce just to fuck with me. Now he’s going on about “taragon.” This fucking dandy.
If nudity is in black in white, it is considered art. Ergo, I am beating off as an aficionado and not some lowly pervert.
RT @ThatWeevil: @kylekinane Really? We’re doing this HERE, bro?
The Toronto Int’l Airport: in case you forgot what the definitions of “clusterfuck” and “downright rotten customer service” are.
Even though it’s 930, it’s still light out in Thunder Bay. There’s a bar called the Roadhouse across the street. I’ll see you guys later.
"The Change-Up?" More like "Inception 2." Shit’s complicated, yo.
"How bad of a set was it, Kyle?" Well, at one point I just said the words "whiskey dick" and then said "how about some crowd work?"
Creationists must love Ribfest. (tighter joke and a better way to find out that “creationist” isn’t a word according to spellcheck)
The words “financial crisis” aren’t scaring anyone I know. We’ve been broke for years. Welcome aboard, USA. Cold Spaghetti-O’s, anyone?
Just added to the Great Mistakes Summer Tour: Boomers Bar in Vegas 8/10 and Boulder Comedy Club, Boulder CO 8/12
Just so everyone know, that is @redban’s cat, not Toby “Big” Damage.
Doing voice over work right now. Dont ever fart in a sound-proof room. Noise isnt the only the only thing that can’t escape these walls.
Opening for the @danieltosh tour from Kitchner ON to Thunder Bay ON starting this Thursday, If Canada lets me in. Columbus and Madison too.
Lightning? Went swimming. Macho fuck you, nature. Taco Bell’s gettin punched in the face with my dick which is what I’m calling my mouth.
Still trying to figure out how a bike that you can’t stop pedaling and has no brakes is called “fixed.” Sounds a lot more like “fucked up”.
RT @eliyudin: @kylekinane If you walk into the wall between Sexy Hair and Farm Meat, you come out on a magical train to a White Castle m …
Gotta say, the @nuttst shows this weekend were fantastic. Big thanks to @elrojoperez and Thai Chi Williams and both sold-out audiences.
RT @nuttst: Kyle Kinane show Nutt St. Comedy Room is SOLD OUT! If you have a ticket, get there early, as it is general seating. Doors …
RT @patrickroddy: @kylekinane I made this thing with you on it that I’m selling to benefit a charity. http://t.co/WP3fqIB
I’m a man of my word. Here’s the first light box I’ve listed to benefit a worthy cause.
In Raleigh at some sports bar while @elrojoperez keeps yapping his Puerto Rican gibberish into his phone. Worst dinner date ever.
RT @funnybusiness: Laugh Your Asheville Off Continues Tonight w/ @kylekinane at @HighlandBrews http://ow.ly/5DAor #LYAO