RT @BeardsOfComedy: Beards in Omaha tonight at the Side Door Lounge for a 7 pm show. Tickets available online at Brown Paper… http:/ …
Guess which awesome dude just licked pizza sauce off his computer while trying to post a Tesla video?
NoBodys in charge so fuck off if you’re looking for rules. Potrofka has his birth certificate
Delilah’s. Yep. Come out, strangers. We’ll have breakfast soon.
The thing in the box in Creepshow and the monster in Big Trouble In Little China still get me. Nostalgic terror is the best.
Everytime these dorks on Ghost Adventures mention the EMF detector, I imagine it must read “You’re Unbelievable!” I’m a comedy champion.
In honor of Baby Jessica’s birthday, all well drinks should be half-off today.
Golden Girls is a solid show. No joke.
Some twat is playing his violin in the airport at 730am. This isn’t the subway. We paid to be here. Cork it, maestro.
Hey boobs, get over here.
When does Wikipedia come out in paperback?
I’m sober tonight, so it’ll be pretty quiet. Just staying up studying survivalcache.com and having small but consistent panic attacks.
RT @Puddinstrip: I uploaded a YouTube video — Puddin’ (Kyle #5) http://youtu.be/q_TbR2b4_jE?a
Just took a loose dump during a Rhianna remix. Spring break! #foreveryoung
Seeing a wave runner sitting in the dirt is more of a bummer than you think.
Now I’m on the futon listening to my mom talk about conspiracy theories via Skype with her online gambling pals.
I basically just won the “Biggest Fan Of The Show Gets To Headline” contest at Beat Kitchen tonight.
Boy Gorge and Culture Chub playing the fat tribute band stage at the Ramada along with Flan Halen and Oreo Speedwagon #SXSW
Thanks, Appleton! Hell of a time. Detoxing on the bus into Chicago. Grand Rapids, you’re next.
RT @mooreyouwant: @kylekinane Try giving to Week of Compassion instead. Red Cross does good work, but has 15% overhead. WoC use… (cont) …
RT @sarahtap: I’m the Banksy of farts. Just when you realize my work is all around you - I’M GONE.
My phone has food on it more often than it does not have food on it.
My dumb face is going to be on the teevee again Thursday, March 24th at midnight on the John Oliver Stand-Up Show. Also, Mash-Up premieres this Friday, March 11th, at midnight. After all this I will fade away.
How are all my Jewish friends celebrating Cash Wednesday tomorrow?
People are taking the piss out of you everyday. They butt into your life, take a...– Banksy (via fuckyeahmiserablethings, zaschell) (via supahsayunbasturd) (via anti-propaganda)
Show in Appleton cancelled for tonight. I’ll probably just be at that Christmas bar, making up stories about my special forces training.
Few if ever get the joke, but I love leaving a bathroom stall saying, “Oof, I think I just witnessed the maiden flight of the Spruce Deuce.”
The mic was off but I didn’t care. Sang my goddamn heart out. I think they’re closed actually.
I’m like jazz tonight, guys. Think about what I DIDN’T tweet.
RT @murrayv: “Well behaved women rarely make history.” But they make great breakfast. #lettheunfollowsbegin
I’d have better luck yelling “Let’s fuck!” into a black hole at this point.
“Oh yeah! Oh yeah! There’s the sauce in the door!” (I made up a song called “Refrigerator.” Sounds a lot like Bad Religion’s “Generator.”)
So no one made God, but God made man, and man made Hot Pocket Sideshots. This is the asshole people are starting wars over?
Also, I’m so happy this will be seen. http://bit.ly/gXLejX
I need to live somewhere where big cats are a threat to my survival. This “hope I get a callback for that Colgate ad” panic is horseshit.
RT @blainecapatch: FUN FACT! anti-union cheerleaders bill o’reilly, sean hannity, and rush limbaugh are all members of AFTRA.
Lady at my show in TX ordered a “1,000-Island Ice Tea.” Confusing salad dressing and alcohol? My only regret is not proposing.