RT @daveanthony: @kylekinane “Why don’t you go live in Sweden” is different from “Go fuck yourself hippie.”
Americans, let’s get scared of change that tries to improve our quality of life (uni. healthcare) and accept the kind that hinders it (TSA).
Sorry, everyone. On edge. Had my storage unit broken into. Had all my camping gear in there (aka Plan B). Nothing was stolen. Fools.
Just saw Craigslist ad for a “sexy” efficiency apt, cuz nothing says “Let’s fuck” like burning your arm on a hotplate while wiping your ass.
Two-head calf born in Armenia, smokes twice as many Parliament Lights in Starbucks parking lot as normal calf. http://tinyurl.com/68fxv5f
Domino’s next ad to feature skeptical consumers kidnapped, tied to chairs, with a Domino’s rep yelling, “What can I do to make you love me?”
Can I just submit a writing packet to Southwest Airlines? This lady next to me is laughing like it’s a goddamn Dean Martin roast.
Sometimes I get to the point where I just yell “BOOBS!” with the same urgency zombies yell “BRAINS!”
I farted so much on this flight I think I altered the cabin pressure. That was excessive even by my standards. Christ.
To finalize the issue, trying to power wash your toilet with a super intense piss just makes a bigger mess than the one you wanted to fix.
A clear example of aging is turning on a late night talk show and instantly saying, “Who the fuck is this asshole?” (Wiz Khalifa, I guess)
RT@kylekinane is on twitter. This man is frickin’ hilarious. Buy his CD, see his shows.//Do as the Goon says!
OOH the Oscar nominations are out!! Can you believe who did or didn’t blaAHH FARTS tacos hurl this whole fucking waste of time into the sun.
Whoa, a 96-year-old guy died? God works in mysterious ways, I guess.
“AT&T U-Verse Bundle—Why let us fuck up just one facet of your life?”
thedailywhat: Time Saver of the Day: Learn how to do a bunch of things faster with this compilation of shortcut tutorials on everyday activities from shoe tying to egg peeling. [vvv.] Hey, Daily What. More of this, and less of whatever unecessarily “reimagined” Star Wars bullshit someone farted out this week.