Said “Wow, you don’t even look fucked up in the face or anything” to a pro MMA fighter last night. I must be one dumb son of a bitch.
I carried the burrito back to my hotel room swaddled like a newborn and proceeded to treat as such, ignoring it for basic cable television.
It’s been a hell of a week and it’s only Tuesday. Thank you to everyone for all the nice words and appreciation.
In spite of strange chest pains and having to berate a large part of the audience tonight, this is neat: http://amzn.to/eoxmp5
RT @IsaacFitzgerald: I leave @KyleKinane alone in my apartment for less than 10 mins before he texts, “Does your fire alarm routinely go …
9am in San Francisco and already the fire alarm’s gone off and I realized I’ve been wearing my underpants inside out since yesterday.
RT @zerohacker Best stand-up comedy album of the year - @kylekinane “Death Of The Party” His debut on AST records.//Thanks!
San Franciscans, I will be at Club Deluxe tomorrow and the Purple Onion Thursday. San Joseans, I will be at the Improv Tues. and Wed.
I don’t do FourSquare but I just want to let you know that I’m the mayor of the shitter at this Mexican restaurant on Sunset. #saladexodus
RT @thepretension: BP Live is TONIGHT! http://bit.ly/hD4rpp Don’t miss out, stupid!
I’m about to put the neighbor’s dog out of my misery.
RT @McRibSandwich: I’m classing up my name Ke$ha style. Call me M¢Rib.
I said anyone drinking out of wine glasses at 2AM look like assholes and some girl dressed like Amelia Earhart hit me in the face.
Doesn’t look like I’ll be invited back to that wine bar anytime soon. I’m okay with that.
Have a boss once tell me “Nobody’s paying you to think” has been the most liberating statement I’ve ever heard.
RT @IsaacFitzgerald: Dear SFPD, @KyleKinane is coming to town soon. We won’t burn the town to the ground if you leave us be. Fair warning.
My review of last night’s Fleetwood Mac techno remix at the bar: “Finally someone put a drum machine under these daddy issues!”
RT @ComedyCentral: Comics @ReggieWatts, KurtMetzger & @KyleKinane tell why they paid to get on @ComedyCentral’s Hot List - Sunday 10pm/9 …
I think I’m gonna start growing my hair out. Yep, there we go. Just started.
I get laser ADDITION.
People with dreadlocks can only give dirty looks.
This Starbucks shitter is feeling the wrath of last night’s chili stunt. Oof. I’ve had to take off my hat and jacket. Yeah, it’s like that.
If you’re not onboard with my brain waves right now then nobody is.
The concert was good but I really can’t wait for all this shakey iPhone footage to come out.
I’m alive, everyone. My body sounds like a haunted house right now, but I’m alive.
Optimistically I have a bad dream and shit-fart the couch. Realistically I have a winter funeral. http://yfrog.com/5mytn0j
Hot sauce is like the push-up bra for food. A little Tapatio and this chili may as well have been made yesterday! Take a letter, Maria!
I know there’s “Five-alarm” chili, but is there a “car alarm” chili? I may have found it.
I feel fine about what I ate, but I feel bad that I ate it. Does that make sense? Does anyone want to come over and watch streaming Netflix?
My vision just became incredibly clear and I feel acutely aware of everything. Am I dying?
Thanks for joining me for Kyle’s Midnight Dipshit Theater. I’m off to throw up in a sleeping bag now, because that’s where I sleep. G’night!
I’m going to take a vitamin and a baby aspirin and go to bed. Seems like a good idea. Not that I’m too familiar with good ideas, but still.
Diving in. Since I wasn’t sure what this was supposed to taste like in the first place, I’m going to say not bad.
This chili moved in to this apartment before I did.
Just hit it with the can opener and it hissed for 6 seconds. Having second thoughts. Especially because it’s chicken.
I don’t think they even make this kind anymore. “Use by” date is illegible. Let’s crack her open! http://yfrog.com/mtplg0j
I use junk mail to cover my microwaveables. Target coupons keepin’ my TJ beef chili in check y’all. http://yfrog.com/4j2vz0j
The can of soup next to it expired in ‘05, so archeologically speaking I was in for a heap of trouble. Next project:TJ’s beef chili!
Had a great night. Now I’m going to live tweet about eating this really old chili I found.
This guy here is “best by Feb of ‘10.” Doesn’t mean it can’t still be “decent by Dec of ‘10,” right? http://yfrog.com/0ofsl0j
Another sizeable hiss but it smells okay. Let’s take her for a spin!
I’m turning 34 in a few weeks and my “winter comforter” is a sleeping bag from Big 5 Sporting Goods with hair from someone else’s dog on it.
Disaronno ad shows how to make a Disaronno with cranberry. Apparently you pour it in WITH the Disaronno and not all over your old gay balls.
Someone might know here—Shopping for new full-suspension all-mtn or XC mountain bike. Any tips? I like Trek EX8 or maybe a Santa Cruz.
Ugly mermaids got it rough cuz they’re all “maybe dudes will just love me for my personality” which means “at my best I’m still half fish.”
RT @TheOrvedahl: Me: How does Portland afford all of its cool shit with no sales tax? @kylekinane: Moustache tax.
RT @jokesdotcom: Comedy Central’s Hot List has Kurt Metzger, @owenben, @kylekinane & more! You can’t handle this much list. http://bit.l …
Maid service in a hotel is far less intrusive if you just pretend a very cleanly poltergeist is haunting your room.