Sometime in the fall of 1995, my friend Marco and I sat in the parking lot of a strip club in Franklin Park, Illinois, drinking rum and singing along with this song.
Me: (singing) I want your touch! I need your tou-ouch!
Marco: Are you saying “I want your touch?”
Me: That’s the lyrics, right?
Marco: It’s “Skulls,” dumbass. The song is even called “Skulls.” Misfits would never sing some pussy song about wanting to touch somebody.
Me: Well, yeah, but I thought maybe it was, like, a demonic touch or something.
Marco: You’re an idiot.
RT @Braunger: Tickets still available for the 7:30 show at the Henry Fonda: http://www.starflowentertainment.com/comedycentralla.html
San Francisco! Come out May 10th to the Make-Out Room, 7pm. It’s another awesome Rumpus event with great writers and me making fart noises.
Morning rush hour just seems like a strange race where the winner gets to a place they don’t want to be at sooner than everyone else.
Still (free) tickets available for the 730 show this Wed. It’s a biggun. http://www.starflowentertainment.com/comedycentralla.html
Big show is Thursday, not Wednesday. I’m not a bright person.
Didnt know this train had a designated “teething baby” car. Quickly gathering my things and moving to the “planned parenthood” car.
I will strive to fulfill my duties as the newly crowned Iron Comic honorably. Many thanks to Nato, Moshe, Morgan, Alex, Tig, and Maria.
RT @moshekasher: Iron Comic in midnight 2night Bridgetown: Maria Bamford, Kyle Kinane, Alex Koll, Tig Notaro,Morgan Murphy Hosted by Me …
Summit Saloon in Bend OR with Randy Liedtke tonight 8pm. Now off to shoot guns in the woods.
I swear the Alaska Airlines ticket agent just paged Wayne Newton and Pol Pot. That, or I need more sleep.
Do you know you can follow “I’m Dead And It’s All My Fault” on Twitter? @goddamnitDoug
Saw a guy kick a flower yesterday. The bus pulled away just as he got to the stop so he threw up his arms and then kicked a flower. TAPOUT!
Calling out the troops for this one: http://tiny.cc/cqk83
There is a disturbing amount of child-made artwork at the Salvation Army by my house. Very unsentimental parents in this neighborhood.
JFL showcase tomorrow at the MBar. Message me for tickets and come see what nervous ticks surface when comedians are faced with pressure.
I’ve never seen a piano store that wasn’t going out of business.
RT @nottjmiller: Every day I have to tell you to RT http://www.starflowentertainment.com/comedycentralla.html to your friends! It’s for …
RT @LAist: DUI Checkpoints in Echo Park & Eagle Rock Tonight: http://bit.ly/de3eSt
"The Back-up Plan" looks like a slightly less funny snuff film.
Orlando, Gainesville, and Tampa with Brian Posehn this week. Come on out!
Sunday mornings are specifically made for thanking and apologizing to people for Saturday night.
I wonder if I’ll live long enough to think of teeth as possessions rather than a body part.
If y’all want to go to the RZO show downtown tonight, message me for tickets. All right.
Got this in the mail today. Two-sided KFC advertisement. Apparently their idea of beating breast cancer is to have you die from obesity or heart disease first.
Way off base on this one, Colonel.
Unfollowed The Daily What because, as it turns out, I just don’t really give a shit about Star Wars “interpretations.”
Oversized sunglasses on women=Hipster burka.
solid r and b jams turn me into a 13 year old girl every time
"Pouncake" bty Van Halen only makes me wish I had a better stereo.
Saw a cigarette butt at the top of a long hiking trail today. Was gonna get mad but really, they earned it.