Beards are just mohawks for 30-year-olds. Boy, I just made my night even more depressing.
Shows? Yes! Boston, March 2, Middlesex Lounge//NYC, March 4, Comix//Montague MA, March 6, The Bookmill
RT @kumailn: Me. Kyle Kinane. Magic. @comixny March 4th. http://comixny.com/event.aspx?eid=723&sid=2586 Use code PROMO for $10 tix. Wow!
Mandatory pre-flight sedation or lecter-esque containment for all children under 10 would no doubt sell plane tickets.
sitting in front of a shitty 5 year old on this plane. equivalent of having tinitis and an erratic unwanted massage chair for 2.5 hours.
Sad in LA, people ask about your feelings. Sad in Chicago, sister says “Well, there’s all-u-can-eat chili and beer at this one place.”
Restaurant sign said “Taste how much we care.” That is the most ominous sentence I’ve heard in a while.
My upstairs neighbor seems to wear heels and lead shin guards all night. I hope she gets a spot on that strange, strange soccer team.
If you look at the emblem, Audi wants to be an official Olympic vehicle but is only 4/7ths of the way there. #onlyfunnyifsaidlikehedberg.
What is this “Cash Wednesday?” Is it a Jewish thing? (oh god don’t hit the update button)
Just yelled out in the middle of my Katy Perry singalong “I have an oven on!” Never let me live alone.
How is the show “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” not the same thing as “Keeping Up With The Kardashians?”
Turns out if your name is mentioned in an article with the word “pedophile”, regardless of context, you automatically get listed here: www.sex-offender-info.com. Keep up the great, unresearched, misinformed work, guys! I sure hope some fans see this site when trying to find tour dates! Better yet, maybe I can have an awkward conversation with my mom when she sees it! The best part is...
RT @kumailn: Me and Kyle Kinane co headlining at Comix on March 4th? Must buy tix immediately! http://www.comixny.com/event.aspx?eid=723 …
The Rat Pack-themed slot machine “Spinning In Their Graves!” was pulled because tourists “didn’t get it.” #lasvegasfacts
The city seal is Elvis wearing a backwards Dale Earnhardt hat armwrestling all-u-can-eat popcorn shrimp. #lasvegasfacts
“Are you sure you want to delete this item?” “To undelete, press 1.” Why must you make me so unsure of my decisions, technology?
leading cause of death: being one of the four noisy children in the hotel room next to me. #lasvegasfacts
escort services offer a package called “the rat pack.” it’s exactly what it sounds like. #lasvegasfacts
bellagio is italian for “hot tub filled with imposter cologne.” #lasvegasfacts
gogo dancers are strippers that dont mind borrowing money #lasvegasfacts
Largest import: back fat. Largest export: broken dreams. #lasvegasfacts
“Celebrity Close Calls” on Bio: finally a show with the courage to expose Coolio’s asthma attack.
being accidentally disconnected while trying to buy ron popeil’s showtime knife set was the luckiest i’ve been in vegas.
i can’t help it. the solid flavor injector is as fascinating as it is disturbing.
Chinese food today in the casino employee cafeteria. Used Kikkoman like I was putting out a fire. The Cher impersonator seemed fine with it.
New York City, March 4th: http://comixny.com/event.aspx?eid=723&sid=2586
Thanks! @mandystadt @phirm
RT @domgianneschi: I did a poster for Paton Oswalt and Kyle Kinane’s Milwaukee show: http://www.pattonoswalt.com/
Overheard in Vegas: “Can I help you find something, sir.” “Yeah, the dad-gum Toby Keith Bar and Grill for starters.”
And for good measure since there’s some new folk: www.imdeadanditsallmyfault.com
Why do they even make Harley Davidson shirts in medium?
Las Vegas, where losers from around the world come to not win.
Two pot farmers just tried teaching me how to play craps. Laughing that hard while losing money is really just an investment in good times.
A sincere thank you, from an altitude-and-cough syrup-drunk Kyle Kinane #everyoneniceenoughtobuythealbum
I can’t find the odds for Puppy Bowl listed anywhere in the sportsbook of this casino.
“I was at the show last night and you’re wearing the same thing.” Closest I’ve come to receiving a compliment in Lake Tahoe all week.
Sean Patton on Fallon in a bit. Do right by yourself and watch.
RT @barvonblaq: My good friend and one of my favorite comedians @mrseanpatton is on @latenightjimmy tonight. Watch.
In Lake Tahoe. Opened by asking if it was okay to say “Time to hit the slopes” in a Chinese restaurant here. I was answered with silence.
I’m really sorry my cd release party is happening the same time as that show I thought everyone stopped watching four years ago is on.
Not enough thanks to go around to everyone for all the nice words about the record. Special thanks to @aspecialthing and @domgianneschi
RT @aspecialthing: #ASTnews Kyle Kinane: Death of the Party is now available for you to buy http://bit.ly/bmcWTz