RT @robdelaney: The Apple Pan makes the best burger in LA. If you disagree, I’ll punch your mom, because her womb is an idiot factory.
It always surprises me when someone with a lip ring offers their opinion about something. No matter what they say, all I hear is, “Hey, guess what else I’m wrong about.”
I’d eat more blood oranges but can’t see it right to support the malicious process in which they’re acquired.
“Tangelo” sounds like a fat guy that keeps trying to convince everyone he was a back-up dancer on Janet’s Rhythm Nation tour.
This grapefruit tastes like middle age, like an orange that got fat and bitter once it gave up on its dreams. Must be why dads like them.
RT @goddamnitDoug: I shouldn’t smoke in bed? Look out that window, Doug. Is that a Russian flag hanging on my flagpole? No, it’s… http …
i might be drunk but this bathroom smells like pretzels and burnt out brake drums
Was at a holiday party the other night with all different liberal San Francisco intellectuals. With a charming anecdote of farting enough to set off the carbon monoxide detector in my parents’ guest room Christmas evening, I was prepared to make new friends. Then I heard a Jewish guy with an African-style yarmulke over-emphasized his pronunciation of “Pakistan” to somebody...
holiday mom quote #6: “That’s a neighborhood cat. It’s got the huge balls.”
holiday mom quote #5: “How did this bathroom towel get wet?”
holiday mom quote #1: “I got potatoes splashed all over the place. Damnit to hell.”
holiday mom quote #3: “These Romanians across the street are real morons.”
holiday mom quote #2: “Taste this. That’s some good shit right there.” (Lithuanian sausage)
holiday mom quote #3: “Every night around ten o’clock I sneeze three times.”
Campaigning to rename all HBO late night adult films “Rubber Joke Tits Part 19.” I’ve seen erotic cakes that look more realistic.
Beatles fans are the same as born-again Christians. You never hear the end of it if you say “I just don’t see why it’s all that great.”
RT @goddamnitDoug: You got it all wrong, Doug. You can’t use the elevator if there’s a fire. This is an earthquake, so press “L”… http …
RT @goddamnitDoug: First, Doug, it’s called soccer. Second, Doug, soccer is for homos and I have no problem announcing it,… http://tum …