I get laser ADDITION.
People with dreadlocks can only give dirty looks.
The concert was good but I really can’t wait for all this shakey iPhone footage to come out.
This Starbucks shitter is feeling the wrath of last night’s chili stunt. Oof. I’ve had to take off my hat and jacket. Yeah, it’s like that.
If you’re not onboard with my brain waves right now then nobody is.
I’m alive, everyone. My body sounds like a haunted house right now, but I’m alive.
Optimistically I have a bad dream and shit-fart the couch. Realistically I have a winter funeral. http://yfrog.com/5mytn0j
This chili moved in to this apartment before I did.
Hot sauce is like the push-up bra for food. A little Tapatio and this chili may as well have been made yesterday! Take a letter, Maria!
I feel fine about what I ate, but I feel bad that I ate it. Does that make sense? Does anyone want to come over and watch streaming Netflix?
My vision just became incredibly clear and I feel acutely aware of everything. Am I dying?
Thanks for joining me for Kyle’s Midnight Dipshit Theater. I’m off to throw up in a sleeping bag now, because that’s where I sleep. G’night!
I’m going to take a vitamin and a baby aspirin and go to bed. Seems like a good idea. Not that I’m too familiar with good ideas, but still.
I know there’s “Five-alarm” chili, but is there a “car alarm” chili? I may have found it.
Another sizeable hiss but it smells okay. Let’s take her for a spin!
Just hit it with the can opener and it hissed for 6 seconds. Having second thoughts. Especially because it’s chicken.
I don’t think they even make this kind anymore. “Use by” date is illegible. Let’s crack her open! http://yfrog.com/mtplg0j
Had a great night. Now I’m going to live tweet about eating this really old chili I found.
Diving in. Since I wasn’t sure what this was supposed to taste like in the first place, I’m going to say not bad.
The can of soup next to it expired in ‘05, so archeologically speaking I was in for a heap of trouble. Next project:TJ’s beef chili!
This guy here is “best by Feb of ‘10.” Doesn’t mean it can’t still be “decent by Dec of ‘10,” right? http://yfrog.com/0ofsl0j
I use junk mail to cover my microwaveables. Target coupons keepin’ my TJ beef chili in check y’all. http://yfrog.com/4j2vz0j
I’m turning 34 in a few weeks and my “winter comforter” is a sleeping bag from Big 5 Sporting Goods with hair from someone else’s dog on it.
Ugly mermaids got it rough cuz they’re all “maybe dudes will just love me for my personality” which means “at my best I’m still half fish.”
RT @TheOrvedahl: Me: How does Portland afford all of its cool shit with no sales tax? @kylekinane: Moustache tax.
Someone might know here—Shopping for new full-suspension all-mtn or XC mountain bike. Any tips? I like Trek EX8 or maybe a Santa Cruz.
Disaronno ad shows how to make a Disaronno with cranberry. Apparently you pour it in WITH the Disaronno and not all over your old gay balls.
RT @jokesdotcom: Comedy Central’s Hot List has Kurt Metzger, @owenben, @kylekinane & more! You can’t handle this much list. http://bit.l …
Maid service in a hotel is far less intrusive if you just pretend a very cleanly poltergeist is haunting your room.
Today I held a giant cockroach and ate a cricket. You didn’t, but don’t feel bad. If everyone is awesome, then really no one is awesome.
I’m not ashamed at how much I enjoy “Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigilo.” Not proud either, but not ashamed.
Saw a fat guy on TV show dealing with divorce/kids. I said he was in a “custardy” battle. It’s a good joke.
Just put the TapOut logo on cigarettes if you want people to stop smoking.
Dogs made out of diamonds are everyone’s best friend.
Tried to eat my $25 worth at the buffet, but since Mom paid I tried to make it mostly desserts. About to throw up Budweiser and carrot cake.
Where can I get some giant bows for all these Lexuses I’m giving out for Christmas? I’ll look like a real asshole if I don’t wrap them.
My dad has said “She has to be at least 70 by now” about every upcoming female act coming to this casino. Mom’s lost in the penny slots.
Just learned what a spambot actually is. So disappointed right now.
Headin’ out to The Gambler now (name I made up for the casino buffet.) Gonna get drunk and confuse the prime rib chef with a poker dealer.
Tur-dick-en is a joke somebody made already, right? Anyone else in a dirty shirt, nodding off to ladies BMX, about to bathe just for morale?
Angelina Jolie is the Cracker Barrel of the motion picture industry..
The only reason I’m putting on pants today is to go to a buffet at a casino. Totally sadical! (sad+radical)
Can’t wait to see Bear Grylls attempt to survive Man V Wild: Guitar Center on Black Friday.
RT @the1stfive: Smoking Popes Title New Album; Release Date http://bit.ly/f0xJA0
What do “Top Gun” and Thanksgiving have in common? A dead Goose, of course. (Bonus points if you said Cheese Loggins)
The optimism with which my father still watches late-term Leslie Neilsen films is naïve but admirable.
The “Mom, did you borrow my green shirt?” commercial has me nervous for how many women with teen daughters I may’ve hit on at taco trucks.
RT @the1stfive: An Interview With Kyle Kinane: Bringing Comedy To The People And Skipping Your Song On The Juke Box http://bit.ly/dERsDw
Too many thanks to go around for the Seattle show tonight. And to all concerned parties, I’m back in Issaquah safe and sound.