I’m turning 34 in a few weeks and my “winter comforter” is a sleeping bag from Big 5 Sporting Goods with hair from someone else’s dog on it.
Disaronno ad shows how to make a Disaronno with cranberry. Apparently you pour it in WITH the Disaronno and not all over your old gay balls.
RT @TheOrvedahl: Me: How does Portland afford all of its cool shit with no sales tax? @kylekinane: Moustache tax.
Someone might know here—Shopping for new full-suspension all-mtn or XC mountain bike. Any tips? I like Trek EX8 or maybe a Santa Cruz.
Ugly mermaids got it rough cuz they’re all “maybe dudes will just love me for my personality” which means “at my best I’m still half fish.”
RT @jokesdotcom: Comedy Central’s Hot List has Kurt Metzger, @owenben, @kylekinane & more! You can’t handle this much list. http://bit.l …
Maid service in a hotel is far less intrusive if you just pretend a very cleanly poltergeist is haunting your room.
Today I held a giant cockroach and ate a cricket. You didn’t, but don’t feel bad. If everyone is awesome, then really no one is awesome.
I’m not ashamed at how much I enjoy “Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigilo.” Not proud either, but not ashamed.
Just put the TapOut logo on cigarettes if you want people to stop smoking.
Saw a fat guy on TV show dealing with divorce/kids. I said he was in a “custardy” battle. It’s a good joke.
Dogs made out of diamonds are everyone’s best friend.
Tried to eat my $25 worth at the buffet, but since Mom paid I tried to make it mostly desserts. About to throw up Budweiser and carrot cake.
Where can I get some giant bows for all these Lexuses I’m giving out for Christmas? I’ll look like a real asshole if I don’t wrap them.
My dad has said “She has to be at least 70 by now” about every upcoming female act coming to this casino. Mom’s lost in the penny slots.
What do “Top Gun” and Thanksgiving have in common? A dead Goose, of course. (Bonus points if you said Cheese Loggins)
Can’t wait to see Bear Grylls attempt to survive Man V Wild: Guitar Center on Black Friday.
RT @the1stfive: Smoking Popes Title New Album; Release Date http://bit.ly/f0xJA0
Angelina Jolie is the Cracker Barrel of the motion picture industry..