I’m turning 34 in a few weeks and my “winter comforter” is a sleeping bag from Big 5 Sporting Goods with hair from someone else’s dog on it.
Someone might know here—Shopping for new full-suspension all-mtn or XC mountain bike. Any tips? I like Trek EX8 or maybe a Santa Cruz.
RT @TheOrvedahl: Me: How does Portland afford all of its cool shit with no sales tax? @kylekinane: Moustache tax.
Disaronno ad shows how to make a Disaronno with cranberry. Apparently you pour it in WITH the Disaronno and not all over your old gay balls.
Ugly mermaids got it rough cuz they’re all “maybe dudes will just love me for my personality” which means “at my best I’m still half fish.”
RT @jokesdotcom: Comedy Central’s Hot List has Kurt Metzger, @owenben, @kylekinane & more! You can’t handle this much list. http://bit.l …
Maid service in a hotel is far less intrusive if you just pretend a very cleanly poltergeist is haunting your room.
I’m not ashamed at how much I enjoy “Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigilo.” Not proud either, but not ashamed.
Today I held a giant cockroach and ate a cricket. You didn’t, but don’t feel bad. If everyone is awesome, then really no one is awesome.
Just put the TapOut logo on cigarettes if you want people to stop smoking.
Saw a fat guy on TV show dealing with divorce/kids. I said he was in a “custardy” battle. It’s a good joke.
Dogs made out of diamonds are everyone’s best friend.
Tried to eat my $25 worth at the buffet, but since Mom paid I tried to make it mostly desserts. About to throw up Budweiser and carrot cake.
Where can I get some giant bows for all these Lexuses I’m giving out for Christmas? I’ll look like a real asshole if I don’t wrap them.
My dad has said “She has to be at least 70 by now” about every upcoming female act coming to this casino. Mom’s lost in the penny slots.
Just learned what a spambot actually is. So disappointed right now.
Headin’ out to The Gambler now (name I made up for the casino buffet.) Gonna get drunk and confuse the prime rib chef with a poker dealer.
Tur-dick-en is a joke somebody made already, right? Anyone else in a dirty shirt, nodding off to ladies BMX, about to bathe just for morale?
The only reason I’m putting on pants today is to go to a buffet at a casino. Totally sadical! (sad+radical)
Can’t wait to see Bear Grylls attempt to survive Man V Wild: Guitar Center on Black Friday.
RT @the1stfive: Smoking Popes Title New Album; Release Date http://bit.ly/f0xJA0
What do “Top Gun” and Thanksgiving have in common? A dead Goose, of course. (Bonus points if you said Cheese Loggins)
Angelina Jolie is the Cracker Barrel of the motion picture industry..
The optimism with which my father still watches late-term Leslie Neilsen films is naïve but admirable.
RT @the1stfive: An Interview With Kyle Kinane: Bringing Comedy To The People And Skipping Your Song On The Juke Box http://bit.ly/dERsDw
The “Mom, did you borrow my green shirt?” commercial has me nervous for how many women with teen daughters I may’ve hit on at taco trucks.
Too many thanks to go around for the Seattle show tonight. And to all concerned parties, I’m back in Issaquah safe and sound.
Weather be damned! 830pm tonight, Rendezvous Jewelbox Theater Seattle
Dad was so disgusted he almost missed the restaurant because I farted in the rental car. Happy Holidays from the Kinanes!
RT @McRibSandwich: If I were a song, I’d be “Highway to the Dangerzone.”
White dudes that used to live in Asia for a while still can’t play pool for shit. Don’t be fooled, my bar-dwelling friends.
Homeless men and cult leaders always have a full head of hair. What gives, world?
You haven’t gotten rid of me yet, Seattle. Rendevous Theater Monday night.
Another weekend of being spoiled. Thank you, Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA. Hell of a time.
Looks like I’m getting “hip checked” all over twitter. Is that the right term, tattooed women who mistake being loud for being interesting?
Rollerderby names still available: Barista-farian, Wheel Annoying At Dive Bars, Obligatory Ramones Shirt, Boring 2B Wild, Literal Fishnets.
I’m not attacking all rollerderby ladies, just the humorless ones acting overly defensive about their ironic sport—ugh, nevermind.
In closing, nobody said a thing about how I murdered an animal when I was a child, but people got all tore up about a roller derby MOVIE.
RT @tomsegura: “@shantytown005: @tomsegura - hell yea, son! i’m a roller derby girl so he can eat it. and its good;)”hell yeah! @kylekin …
Wow, people got really upset that I shit on that shitty movie about that shitty sport. What a shitty attitude, you shits.
RT @MyruhOh: @kylekinane why are you hating on whip it jerk face? Come to a game so we can all beat the shit outta you ;-)
RT @shantytown005: I don’t even know who @kylekinane is, but he can suck my asshole for bombing on barrymore…. or roller derby
When I was little I dropped a brick on a frog and this Drew Berrymore roller derby movie is still the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.
Channel Q13 in Seattle in a couple minutes to promote my upcoming film “Eddie and The Cruisers 3: It’s Nacho Cheese.”
Watch @johnnypemberton’s show Megadrive tonight at 11pm on MTV. He is a good friend who tricked MTV into letting him drive giant machines.
RT @StrangerSlogRss: Do Not Miss Kyle Kinane, Please!: Amazing comic. On the verge of bigness. Worth the drive to Kirkland. Not to be… …
You in Seattle? Oh, girl, that’s crazy—me too! Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland all weekend. Bring a friend and some old Bullet Boys tapes.
I will always deny the body scanner and opt for the hot TSA feel-up action. Nothing but light moans and grunts—who’s uncomfortable now?
It’s not a spoiler when you reveal what happens in a movie BASED ON A TRUE STORY. It’s why they made the goddamn movie in the first place.