August 2009
10 posts
"buddy holly plane crash/sexual thank you"
alternate show titles i posted to myspace in order to deter all but the willing from attending my standup performances:
“dogs made of diamonds are everyone’s best friend” 8.7.07
“wizards be fixin’ mufflers? crazy” 4.2.08
“morse code nautical light signals with vertical blinds and savvy neighbors” 4.27.08
“hand me the tool that fixes...
the leash of one's own limitations
a guy named jim used to live across the street from us when i was teenager. jim didn’t have as many fingers as everyone else but that never stopped him from trying to play classic rock songs on the guitar. genial enough fella that would drink beer in his driveway and occasionally set fire to this old mercury cougar he had in the garage. “should be road-ready by fall,” he’d say.
he bought a...
google search bar
last three searches, in order:
bourbon calories
beer calories
louis farrakhan
and now, for no reason at all, i’m reminded of how i accidentally became a part of a puerto rican parade in chicago last august while driving my father’s pickup truck through humboldt park. there were some streamers, and some excited puerto ricans and I just thought they...
the interview i did where i invented the... →
"say anything" is a good movie but bad advice
my coworker emailed me this morning “already thinking about lunch.”
i replied, “had a turkey reuben last night that fell out of me this morning like a fire drop from a helicopter.”
lost writings of Thoreau
Autumn bowed to Winter, and as was their odd nature, the geese in these parts flew from east to west again.
I questioned such an instinct every season.
“You fucking birds are embarrassing yourselves!” I’d shout up to the sky, shaking a clenched fist towards the offending V formation.
The seasons passed for a turn twice more until, finally, there were no more geese.
[repost...
above it all
i went back and ordered beers number 7 and 8 from the thicker flight attendant who was nice to me earlier. nyc to los angeles is six hours and we were over colorado at this point. the other flight attendant (a dude) in the little annex area asked me “are you driving?” i said, “no, we’re on an airplane” and returned to my seat next to the chubby spaniards trying to...
etiquette issues
once i was at a party where i didn’t know anybody so i drank a bunch of champagne and kept going into the closet and yelling “it sure is dark in this bathroom!” still nobody liked me even though i thought that was a pretty funny thing to do.
then i woke up on the couch in the day time without ever remembering going to sleep. i didn’t know where i was and i thought i had...
