RT @robdelaney: The Apple Pan makes the best burger in LA. If you disagree, I’ll punch your mom, because her womb is an idiot factory.
It always surprises me when someone with a lip ring offers their opinion about something. No matter what they say, all I hear is, “Hey, guess what else I’m wrong about.”
I’d eat more blood oranges but can’t see it right to support the malicious process in which they’re acquired.
“Tangelo” sounds like a fat guy that keeps trying to convince everyone he was a back-up dancer on Janet’s Rhythm Nation tour.
This grapefruit tastes like middle age, like an orange that got fat and bitter once it gave up on its dreams. Must be why dads like them.
RT @goddamnitDoug: I shouldn’t smoke in bed? Look out that window, Doug. Is that a Russian flag hanging on my flagpole? No, it’s… http …
i might be drunk but this bathroom smells like pretzels and burnt out brake drums
Was at a holiday party the other night with all different liberal San Francisco intellectuals. With a charming anecdote of farting enough to set off the carbon monoxide detector in my parents’ guest room Christmas evening, I was prepared to make new friends. Then I heard a Jewish guy with an African-style yarmulke over-emphasized his pronunciation of “Pakistan” to somebody...
holiday mom quote #6: “That’s a neighborhood cat. It’s got the huge balls.”
holiday mom quote #5: “How did this bathroom towel get wet?”
holiday mom quote #3: “Every night around ten o’clock I sneeze three times.”
holiday mom quote #3: “These Romanians across the street are real morons.”
holiday mom quote #1: “I got potatoes splashed all over the place. Damnit to hell.”
holiday mom quote #2: “Taste this. That’s some good shit right there.” (Lithuanian sausage)
Campaigning to rename all HBO late night adult films “Rubber Joke Tits Part 19.” I’ve seen erotic cakes that look more realistic.
Beatles fans are the same as born-again Christians. You never hear the end of it if you say “I just don’t see why it’s all that great.”
RT @goddamnitDoug: You got it all wrong, Doug. You can’t use the elevator if there’s a fire. This is an earthquake, so press “L”… http …
RT @goddamnitDoug: First, Doug, it’s called soccer. Second, Doug, soccer is for homos and I have no problem announcing it,… http://tum …
Public House in Los Feliz tonight 9:30. Doing the laugh dance all over again.
self-promotion monday. I’m on Marc Maron’s podcast www.wtfpod.com and interviewed here www.angelcityblog.blogspot.com
Ate so many different parts of a cow the other night from the taco truck that I may have Frankencattle assembling in my guts right now.
Gonna be handling the monologues at Assscat! tonight at 7:30, UCB-LA
obriens in santa monica 830 tonight. donate a toy for the kids
RT @goddamnitDoug: The Who weren’t shit until Keith Moon blew up his drum kit. I’m using twice as much explosives as he did so… http:/ …
RT @goddamnitDoug: Organs don’t fail, Doug. They surrender. And surrender is unacceptable. If these kidneys backstep on me once… http: …
I ate the rice with my hands, because that’s how they do it in India. Probably not drunk and over the sink with a side of Twizzlers though.
RT @goddamnitDoug: Where did I put my car keys, Doug? All this Nyquil’s gonna kick in soon, so I’m taking off. Gotta try and… http://t …
Monte Cristo really is the perfect drag name for a breakfast that dresses up like a dinner sandwich. Good job, world.
Rough night in dreamland. Witness relocation, doctors, enlightenment via psychiatric patient, and artichokes…so many artichokes.
I thought this NatGeo special was about how Josef Mengele was responsible for the Minnesota Twins. Now I’m all confused.
Let’s be honest—the Third Reich’s intentions were heinous but their graphic design was impeccable.
RT @goddamnitDoug: I’m going on a hunger strike. Until they bring back Naugles is when. Life just ain’t worth living if you… http://tu …
My take on Trader Joes featured here: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/staffpicks
RT @goddamnitDoug: There’s no argument. I want pec implants and plastic surgeons in the States just can’t compete with Bolivian… http: …
I was a “Style Cop” for FoxNews.com. I may’ve missed the point. http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/style/index.html
I was a "Style Cop" for FoxNews.com. →
The Golden Girls seem to show up in my life right when I need them (alone in a Best Western on a Friday night)M
thank you, ladies
I don’t like to judge but im sure the two guys sitting in front of me on this plane are rapists.
if I knew it was scumbag day at LAX I would’ve flown out of Burbank.
Mockolate. Bleaches and Cream. Chocturnal Emissions #benandjerryfailures
RT @goddamnitDoug: Get your poncho, Doug. I got a pony keg, a Crave Case, and a full tank in the Cavalier. Time to go storm… http://tu …
“27 Dresses” is the herpes of HBO. “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” is a gonorrhea second. I wish I had enough self esteem to hit on Showtime.
Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win.
RT @goddamnitDoug: I’m a volunteer fireman, Doug. I just show up where I can when I can, you know? Well, I assume the training… http:/ …